pitong taon

"hindi ko na kaya"

yan lng at tapos ang pitong taon. dahil hindi mo na kayang pakisamahan ang anak kong 9 years old na ayun sa lhat ng tao napaka lambing. oo, may topak minsan, pero sino ba ang batang walang topak? kung tau ngang matatanda tinotopak, ung bata pa kaya?

eto lang:

kung ikaw tinanggap ng anak ko ng buong buo. ginawa ka niyang madi niya. isipin mo yun, yung 9 yrs old umintindi na ang tinatanaw niyang dadi eh babae. bat ikaw di mo kayang tanggapin ang anak ko?

e mas dinaig ka pa ng bata eh.

ang malaking tanong, un nga lang ba ang problema? o may iba ka na naman at ang anak ko na naman ang naisip mong gawing excuse.

maraming salamat sau! isa kang dakilang nilalang.

call-it-what-you-want

if i tell about my hurt,
would you stop?

but i did tell you of my pain
and yet you didn't stop.

so i guess that's it.

more colorful than the rainbow

october. one of the months most young people in the philippines await for. after all, it is octoberfest a.k.a beer fest. everywhere you go where there are bars, beers would be overflowing. beers would be cheap.

one fortunate day in this blessed month a few years back, there was this bar opening in libis and i was invited and given 5 extra tickets. what do you do with so many tickets? naturally you give it to friends. so there we were at the bar co-owned by one of the well-known actors in the country. it was fun. but there could only be so much you can take of the celebrity crowd. there's only so much worshipping you can do. and i believe that THAT you can't do all night. so what else was there left? bar-hopping. we started bar hopping. hoping to find that crowd of mere mortals but the fun ones. in our quest of that particular place, we were able to go to 3 more bars before we ended up in the bar we most frequent because of its band and dance floor.

THAT was fate's doing i guess. because you know what? that decision, to go where the familiar is, was how we met. so there we were, a group of femme fatales (don't react. you wouldn't notice us if we weren't) walking inside the bar with so much confidence in their god-given attraction that they didn't even notice the mere mortals gawking. aahhh...now you caught me. the reason why we didnt want to stay in the celebrity world was because in there, we would be the mortals gawking but in here with the mere mortals, we were the celebrity being gawked at. isn't the world nice?

and so my friends and i were dancing and just having a good time. then this pesky little man kept dancing in front of me and no matter where i turn, there he would be, attempting to dance and sneering. what an a*$! And suddenly, you, my knight in shining armour (well, not really shining, was it?) appeared by my side and asked me ever so politely if i was okay. And of course, independent woman that i was, answered 'i can take care of myself' ever so rudely. not even thinking twice of how much courage it took for you to even be there asking me in that concerned voice. i turned my back on you and danced away. but, you, my persistent knight never did once gave up. after a few songs and beers, i was tipsy. when i came out of the washroom and the dance floor was so crowded that i couldn't even reach my table without stepping on all those mortals faces, you caught up with me and told me to have a seat at your table first. i so wanted to just lie down and sleep right then and there. i never did thank you for that, did i? but just because i was tipsy, didn't mean i'd stop dancing altogether. so after a moment's rest, i got up and went back to dancing with my friends. and i don't know how it happened but your friends and mine ended up dancing with each other. i can't remember dancing with you though but then again, i was slightly drunk. you guys were like high school students on the pretense of being college students. i didn't believe you were of age because all of you looked so young. or maybe i just thought that because of your heights. you guys were shorter than us. one of your friends who was overconfident hooked up with one of my friends and you ended up sitting with us.

i didn't give you much notice when you gallantly asked me if i was okay at the dance floor but when you sat on our table and you looked so shy and so out of place and so weird out? that right then was when you started worming your way into me. it was so endearing to watch that despite you being uncomfortable you still stuck with your friend who was flirting relentlessly with mine. you never once left your friend's side. my friends and i just watched you and observed you and pardon me, at times laughed at you. we weren't undermining you or anything, you were just so... delightful to watch.

so when the night almost ended and you guys said your goodbyes, i felt a pang of emotion i couldn't quite place. it was as if, watching you playfully wasn't enough. but as i was one of the liberal-looking-yet-inside-quite-conservative girl, i would have never in a million years made the first move. it was a good thing that before you went out the door, you stopped by my side and again ever so politely asked if you could have my number. normally i don't give out my real number but for that night something told me to make you an exception. a decision made that to this day i am thankful for.

the next day onwards we sent messages to each other. we sent emails to each other. and if our phone credits permit, made calls to each other. we met almost everyday. got to know each other. laughed at each other. laughed with each other. danced together. went to places together. learned about each other. liked each other. hated each other. fought with each other. fought together against others. doubted each other. believed in each other. push each other away. encouraged each other. prayed together. prayed for each other. talked about everything. lied about some things. forgave each other. created wonderful memories together. lived together. lived apart. loved each other.

this was the beginning of our intricately made love story. and up til now, we are still continuing our journey. our journey to discover things about each other and about the world. our journey together in love. our life together.

my life which has always been colorful but it has been made more colorful the moment you entered it.

king and queen of hearts

"ang guapo niya!!!"

yan ang tili ko tuwing nakikita kita dati. ikaw na kasi kumbaga ang epitome ng guapo. tall, dark and handsome. ikaw na ikaw yan. at makapal pa ang kilay mo tila danny d (guest ng grey's anatomy) pero hindi mo lang doon nakuha ang loob ko. isa sa pamatay mong katangian ay yung pagiging tahimik mong tao. misteryoso kumbaga. you thrive in deep waters. kaso noon, gusto man kitang sisirin natakot ako na baka malunod ako at walang sumagip.

kapag ang mga orgmates nating lalaki eh nghaharutan, ikaw tahimik lang na ngmamasid. ngingiti paminsan minsan. hihirit paminsan minsan. hanggang ganun ka lang. well, yun ang pagkakilala ko sayo kasi ganun ka parati tuwing andun ako. tahimik. ngmamasid lang. titingin. ngingiti ng konti.

andaming beses mo na nga akong tinignan. minsan nahuhuli kita na tumitingin pero yuyuko ka o titingin sa iba. hindi mo ever hinawakan din ng tingin ang tingin ko. so hindi ko alam kung may gusto ka din o ngfeefeeling lang ako. kung dati naging uso na ang mga babaeng nanliligaw ng lalaki, baka niligawan na kita. kung hindi ka lang mas bata sa akin ng isang taon baka niligawan na kita. kung hindi lang ako ngpapaniwala na dapat ang babae mas bata sa lalaki, niligawan na siguro kita. kung bakit kasi di mo ginawang ligawan na lang ako. sasagutin naman kita agad eh.

isang beses, may event ang dorm namin. inimbita kita at ang iba pa nating orgmates. pumunta naman kayo. at dahil alam ng room mates ko na crush nga kita, parati nila tayong iniiwan dalawa para magusap. valentines ata noon kasi puro love songs ang tugtog ng dj eh. tapos nabigla ako. andaming paroparo sa tiyan ko. para akong umikot sa track oval ng limang beses sa kabog ng dibdib ko. gusto kong himatayin, sa takot, sa kaba, sa tuwa. gusto kong lumundag sa sobrang saya. kasi ba naman inaya mo akong sumayaw. alala ko pa nga ang tugtog...two become one ng spice girls. sobrang nasa cloud nine ako nun. diko mawari ang nararamdaman ko. nanlamig ang mga kamay ko. alam mo malamang yun kasi hinawakan mo kamay ko habang papunta sa dance floor. tapos sabay hawak ka sa beywang ko...haaay...sabi nga pede na akong mamatay nun. ang malupit jan, hindi ka nakontento sa isang sayaw. nang matapos ang kanta ng spice girls at bumitaw na ako sayo kasi pabalik na ako sa upuan, pinigilan mo ako sabay sabing "isa pa". paksyet! music to my ears! shempre, sino ba naman ako para humindi diba? so ayun, sinayaw natin ang king and queen of hearts. feeling ko tuloy nun, ikaw ang hari, ako ang reyna. grabe! that was one of those moments na ang kilig di ko malilimutan. at habang sumasayaw tayo, uncomfortable ako. pano, nakatitig ka lang. as in nakatitig ka lang talaga sa akin. ang sarap ng feeling na diko mawari. ayoko na ngang matapos ang gabi kaso imposible naman yun. nang matapos ang gabi, nung ngpaalam ka hindi mo ako hinalikan. nanlumo ako. na-sad ng sobra. akala ko score nako. di pa rin pala.

ayun, pagdating ko sa kwarto imbes na masaya pa rin, muntik ako matabunan ng self-doubt. na kesyo kaya mo lang ako sinayaw dahil alam mong crush kita. pano ba naman kasi alam yata ng lahat ka org natin na sobrang crush kita. so malamang alam mo din. so feeling ko pinagbigyan mo lang ako. pity dance kumbaga yung ginawa natin.

pero yung mga hakahakang yun di naging sapat para mawala ang pagtingin ko sayo. tuwing pumupunta ako sa tambayan, ikaw pa rin agad ang hanap ng aking mga mata. nililingon agad ang inyong kwarto. nagbabakasakaling may proyekto ka na ginagawa at pwede kitang tulungan. maraming pagkakataon noon na pwede kitang kausapin ng matagal kaso hindi ko lubos maisip kung bakit tuwing nagsisimula na akong makipagkwentuhan sayo, nauutal na ako. nawawala na ang train of thought ko. tuloy, feeling ko ngmukha talaga akong tanga sa paningin mo hindi lang isang beses.

pero sobrang bait mo din eh. ni minsan hindi mo ginamit ang tingin kong awareness mo sa paghanga ko sayo. hindi ka ngtake advantage. minsan tuloy dinadasal ko na di ka mashadong gentleman. hahaha...pero ayun, yung isa sa close friends mo, naging close friend ko din. sabi niya, sobrang torpe ka lang daw talaga. na may pagtingin ka din daw sa akin. na dapat ako na ang gumawa ng paraan. tingin ko tama sha. kasi tuwing may kukuha ng pictures malapit ka sa akin parati. o di kaya, ilalapit mo yung mukha mo sa mukha ko. pero hangang dun ka lang. hangang dun lang tayo. kung siguro sinunod ko yung kaibigan mo, baka sakaling ngkaron ng pangalawang yugto ang "king and queen of hearts", yun ay kung maicoconsiderang unang yugto yung mga tantyahan natin (or more specifically, tantyahan sa parte ko)

matapos ang isang taon, ngresign ako sa org kasi nagkaroon na akong madaming commitments na iba. mas lumawak na ang mundo ko. mas madami na akong nakilala. at napagtanto ko, kung may gusto ka nga sa akin at torpe ka lang talaga, wala din mangyayari sa atin kasi di talaga ako gagawa ng unang hakbang. torpe din kasi ako.

hanggang nabalitaan ko nalang after dalawang taon na finally may syota ka na, at ang syota mo ang nanligaw sayo. yun na ang naging huling balita ko sayo. nghiwalay na ang ating landas. ngtapos ako, ngtapos k na din. pero 3 yrs ago, ngkita tayo, sa AS steps. galing ka din sa panonood ng dula na pinanood ko. ayun, guapo ka pa din. pero may kasintahan na ako. meron ka din. pinakilala mo pa nga sa akin eh. mukha namang mabait. nung malayo na ako, lumingon ako, nakita kitang nakatingin.

ingat ka na lang parati. sana maging masaya ka sa buhay mo. at salamat sa presensya mo sa maikling parte ng buhay ko dahil yung gabing yun at yung iba pang mga pagkakataon na ngkasama at ngkausap tayo sa tambayan ay kasama sa mga kilig moments ng buhay ko na hinding hindi ko makakalimutan.

whatever tayo ha

nagbabasa ako ng mga artik sa isang website. ngconcentrate ako sa relationship category. halos lahat ng mga sinulat dun, puro tungkol sa masasakit na karanasan. dama ko yung mga sakit na naramdaman at sinulat nila. kumbaga may empathy ako. tuloy, napaisip ako. di ko din alam kung bakit sa lahat ng mga alaala sa utak ko eto pang tungkol sayo ang nangingibabaw.

"uy, si x bebenta na naman"
"tama na yan! laki na ng kumisyon mo"

patuloy ako sa pagbenta, shempre pera din yun. habang kausap ko ang kliyente, andaming bumabato ng papel. ng matapos ko ang tawag sabi ko sa mga kagrupo ko, 'ayan ngkakalat na naman kayo. kawawa naman ang tagalinis' sabay lingon sa likod ko. Nakita kitang tinatawag ang atensyon ko at tinuturo ang isang papel na binilog na naglanding malapit sa paanan ko. sinisenyasan mo akong buksan yun. nagtatakang pinulot ko ang papel at binuksan. may nakasulat pala. sabi lang 'congrats! bumenta ka na naman'. kumuha din ako ng papel at nagsulat 'salamat. tsamba lang yun' at binato ko sa direksyon mo.

nagtataka ako sayo kasi di naman talaga tayo naguusap. di nga kita napansin bago ang insidenteng yun. pero yun ang naging simula ng napakaraming papel na binilog na di ko mawari kung bakit ko din naman inipon at tinago sa locker ko.

alam ko na alam mo na meron akong kasintahan. kasintahan na di ko man nakikita, nahahawakan pero kasintahan pa rin. sa isipisip ko, siguro nais mo lang talaga akong maging kaibigan. bakit nga naman ako hihindi? kung yun lang naman ang gusto mo. sabi nga, you can never have too many friends. sa simula, okay talaga. mabait ka naman. minsan sweet pa nga e. naghabulan pa tayo sa floor na parang mga bata. pero unti unti, yung mga mensahe sa papel na pinapasapasa natin, nagkakaron na ng konting flirtations pero sobrang subtle lang. hangang sa sabay na tayo umuwi at pumasok, magyosi sa breaks, kumain ng lunch. inaantay mo ko parati lalo kung nagbebenta pa ako at lunch time na. minsan dama ko na ang galit ng mga kaibigan mo sakin kasi tingin nila inaagaw kita sa kanila. pero hindi naman. alam ko kaibigan mo sila, sabi mo pa nga parang pamilya. siguro isa sa rason kung bakit di ako gumawa ng paraan na mapalapit mashado sa kanila ay dahil alam kong di naman ako talaga magtatagal sa buhay mo, sa buhay nila.

lumipas ang ilang buwan, ganun ang routine natin. napalapit na ang loob ko sayo lalo. kinonsidera na kitang totoong kaibigan na may halong di mawari kung ano. tapos isang araw sabi ng boss natin, may awards night daw tayo. excited ang lahat sa excuse na di kailangan bumenta. at nang dumating ang gabing yun, nagpakasaya ang team natin. lasing nga ako eh pero narinig ko pa rin na sinabi mo sa mga kaibigan mo na mauuna kang umuwi dahil may curfew ang tinitirhan mo at kung masasarhan ka wala kang matutuluyan. ewan ko ba kung ano nakain ko din noon kasi nagoffer ako na sa apartment ko nalang ikaw matulog tutal wala din naman akong kasama. siguro mali ko nga din yun kung bakit pa kasi ako nagprisinta. eh, etong alam ko naman na may kasintahan akong nagtitiwala sakin. siguro dala na rin ng kalasingan o talagang gusto lang din kitang makasama. halo-halong emosyon. kinabahan ako nun na baka um-oo ka at mapasubo ako o humindi ka at malungkot ako. ewan.

pero yung gabing yun, yun ang simula ng panahon natin na hiram man, isa sa mga panahon na habambuhay nang masasali sa kumbaga fond memories ko. dun sa gabing yun ang una nating halik. halik na sabi mo, initiated ko pero sa alaala ko ikaw talaga ang nagpasimuno. or pwede ring i was just deluding myself para siguro makulangan ng kahit konti ang guilt na nararamdaman ko. yun ang naging simula ng masasaya nating araw na magkasama kaakibat ng napakaraming gusot.

napapangiti ako habang sinusulat ko to kasi pagkatapos ng gabing yun, nalaman ko na meron ka palang girlfriend. girlfriend na di ko maintindihan kung bakit mo tinago sa akin. e eto naman ako, open book. pero sa totoo lang, kung nalaman ko na meron palang umaasa sayo siguro di na kita binigyan ng pansin. di ako mashado lumapit kasi ayokong nakakasakit. kaso huli na gusto na kitang kasama. siguro din, what we had was bound to happen.

sa ilang buwan na mgkasama tayo, ramdam ko ang pagmamahal mo. sayo ko lamang naranasan ang gumising ng napakaaga kasi hinahalikan na tayo ng sikat ng araw. sunrise. sabi mo nga sunrise person ka. alam mo, minahal din kita, sa abot ng aking kaya. pero alam ko na mas minahal mo ako. masakit malaman yun. alam mo ba yun? sobrang gusto kong ibigay sayo ang deserved mo na love. gusto ko mapasaya ka na walang halong apprehension. alam ko parati ka nalulungkot dahil sa tingin mo wala kang magawa everytime tumawag ang kasintahan ko. dama ko ang sakit mo sa tuwing nasasaktan kita. pero gaya nga din ng alam ko matagal na, selfish ako. mas inisip ko na masaya akong kasama ka. nakombinsi ko ang sarili ko na naaamazed ka lang sakin dahil iisa pa lang ang naging girlfriend mo. na sa kalaunan, marerealized mo din na di mo pala ako mahal, natutuwa ka lang. para patuloy tayong maging masaya na kumbaga, no strings attached.

pero dumating din ang panahong alam nating darating at darating. ang panahon na kailangan na tayong magdesisyon sa direksyong dapat nating tahakin. gusto kitang piliin pero alam ko sa sarili ko na sasaktan lang din kita in the future. at ire-resent mo ako kapag nangyari yun. naisip ko na mas mabuting putulin na natin to habang mejo maaga pa. habang di pa ako mashado nakaentrenched sa yo. habang alam kong kaya ko pa lumayo. at habang kaya mo pa ang paglayo ko. so pinili kong lumayo. ang sakit makitang umiyak ka ng dahil sa akin. di mo ako dapat iyakan. you deserve someone so much better. at alam kong darating ang taong yun para sa yo. para i-heal ang lahat ng sugat na binigay ko.

yung naging 'whatever' natin siguro ibibilang ko na lang din yun na blessing in disguise para sayo para maibsan ang guilt na nararamdaman ko. kasi atleast nagising ka at narealize mo na yung kasintahan mo noon, di talaga kayo ang para sa isat-isa. na sa isang relasyon, hindi namamanifest ang love sa physical violence. di din naman ako nagsisisi sa mga nangyari sa atin, at kung man, siguro ang parte lamang na nasaktan kita ng lubusan.

ngunit ang di man lang sumagi sa isip ko ni minsan ay ang sundan mo ako. sabi mo hindi ka sumunod, nagkaron ka lang talaga ng oportunidad na di pwede palampasin. kaso may nagsabi sa kin na oo nga may oportunidad pero ang isang major reason kung bakit mo sinunggaban ang oportunidad na yun ay ako. umaasa kang makuha mo ako. nung una, aaminin ko, kinabahan ako. ayoko kasi ng gulo. pero kamuntik na naman ako bumigay siguro iba talaga ang kabig ng bawal. mabuti na lang at mas malakas na ako ngayon. mas pinalakas ako ng pagmamahal ko sa sarili ko, pagmamahal ko sa kasintahan ko at pagbibigay konsidera sa nararamdaman ng iba. naalala ko ang desisyong ginawa ko na a few months back. na magkaiba talaga ang landas natin. na gaya ng dati mong girlfriend di tayo ang para sa isa't isa. mahirap man gawin pero pinagtabuyan kita. sinabi ko na di kita ni minsan minahal, di kita kailangan, di ikaw ang para sa akin. ayokong gawin yun. kung selfish pa rin ako gaya ng dati baka pinagbigyan kita at magkikita ulit tayo lingid sa kaalaman ng syota ko pero hindi. ayoko na ulit maging rason para umiyak ka. alam kong malapit mo nang mahanap ang babaeng para sayo. kailangan mo lang antayin ng konti.

makalipas ang ilang taon, alam ko masaya ka na ngayon. ako naman masaya din. sana sa pagkikita nating muli, kung mangyayari mang magcross ulit ang landas natin, sana ang alaala ng ating pagsasama dati ay magbibigay na ng ngiti sa iyong mga labi at di na hapdi o di kaya ay bitterness.

perks and its opposite

i was reading this book about a woman who has been with somebody for 5yrs (since she was 22, they broke up when she was 27) and she realized that her youth was consumed by that person. she didn't have time to experience a lot of things that single early-20s experience (hmmm..like being promiscuous?) and she regretted the last 5yrs she was too focused on her boyfriend.

it made me think. i'm in a relationship that's going on six years. does this mean i have wasted my youth? i am 28 now. but i don't feel as if i have wasted my time at all. i still love my partner, more so than the day i first realized i love her. so i guess it depends on how your relationship fares. if you grow old together, and you've been with your partner since you were 23, would it really matter if all your experiences in life include that person? of course, like every thing else in life, being in a couple has perks as well as its downside.

take today for example, my partner is going to visit her cousins and she's gonna spend the night there. and i dont wanna go with her because the last 2wkends we've spent there already. i wanna see my sister. it'll be basically the 1st time in 3years that we wouldn't be sleeping together in the same bed while both of us are in the same country. what's more is that, my sis can't come tonight, she'll only be able to go to my place tomorrow as she has a date tonight. so i'll be totally alone in a 1 bedroom apartment. if it were a studio flat, i'd probably be ok but thing is, am a scaredy cat and a 1 bedroom flat has so many areas i wouldn't be able to see at one glance. i could always go with my partner to her cousins' place but i don't want to. am not used to being alone. am scared yet am thrilled at the prospect of conquering my fear of being alone. so there's a downside but there's a perk as well.

another is, i dont have a driving license. my partner has a car and a license ;> so i can't go anywhere i want to at any given time unless i'd brave the traffic as well as the lack of fast cabs here in dubai. so most of the time, if not all, am at the mercy of my partner's whims. tho' to be fair, she always asks me where i wanna go and we normally go to places i wanna go to.

also, when you're alone; you eat when you wanna eat, cook when you feel like it, sleep til the next day, do nothing and all will still be fine. the place you straightened up a week ago would still be not-messy (unless of course you are a messy person). BUT the upside of being a couple is, you'd be forced to cook/eat elaborate food so you'd be able to take in all the vitamins and minerals you're supposed to get everyday, you'd be forced to do stuff both of you enjoys so you don't waste days.

so, i guess it really depends on the kind of person you are. if you are the type who gets suffocated when you have a companion every single day of your life, being in a couple in definitely not for you. tho' am not a perfect couple person either i need alone days as well. every once in while is enough for me. like every other saturday for example, i have the day all to myself as my partner goes to work. and this set up does wonders to my senses. and don't get me wrong, i am a very tolerant person. i let my partner go out---alone whenever she asks me. a few hours with her friends without me every once in while is okay. it's even healthy for the relationship. you get to grow individually.

mi hijo

my son is not your son.
but then again he is part of me.
you said you love me.
did u lie?
does that not include those whom i love?
does that not include those who came from me?
is the love you have conditional?

maybe i was wrong about you.
i thought i got you.
seems to me i dont.